Can i not drive my cunt home
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
