I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
