remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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