Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
