Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Randomize
