also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
