why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
