if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize