Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
