whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Randomize