dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
You've changed since you got that strap on
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
