I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
