Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
You were trust falling into bushes
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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