I swear god or herbie drove my car home
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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