Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
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