Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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