Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
