Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
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