I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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