McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
