I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
My life is pants optional.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
