your parents love me but you hate me
nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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