I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
