I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
