Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize