yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
