before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
it's like iHOP with fire
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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