Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
he puts the penis in happiness.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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