She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
