are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
