I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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