1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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