Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
