Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize