"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
