just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
my phone needs a breathalizer
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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