ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
