Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
