Me. At least after what I've been through.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize