the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize
