I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
