Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Randomize
