I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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