Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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