The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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