So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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