Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
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