I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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