I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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