dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
