During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
