You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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