I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Randomize
