i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
