The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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