Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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