I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
