So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize