Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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