I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
