Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
