there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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