I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
