My sheets look like a crime scene.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
