Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
