rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
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